Raising a teen can be a real challenge, no matter how loving, caring, patient or well-informed you are as a parent. Between coping with the internal pressures of hormones and the connection of new emotional neurons – that one day connect and the next day disconnect – leading to mood swings that are unexplainable; to the external pressures of academics, peers, social media and the state of the world, leading to the real fear of failure; even the most well-adjusted teens struggle with the day-to-day aspects of their lives. As exciting as this time is in their life, everything inside them and around them is changing, making the transition from childhood to teen years a very challenging one.
Luckily, we as parents are there to pass on guidance, serve as positive role models and give them a safe space in which to push boundaries and grow. Yet this is harder than it may first seem. Not every teen is open to this guidance and support and to add to this very few parents in this day and age have lived through the pressures that our teens face. Most of us parents were not born into a world of constant social media, constant technology or constant exposure to a virtual world. This can make for a strained relationship and unhealthy patterns of communication can build up between parents and their teens. We at One Life Coaching are here to offer some helpful tips to allow you to understand your teen better.
Consider stages of development
There are many changes during the teen years. In the early stages of teens, these changes are more often than not hormonal. Hormones can and will affect mood swings. Later on, emotional neurons begin to connect in our teenagers’ minds. They begin to feel emotions in ways they have never felt before. This is why our first love was so potent. Often when these neurons are connecting your teenager will feel happy and when they disconnect temporarily they feel rubbish and they don’t understand why. Take the time to understand your teenagers developmental stages and these stressors that impact their moods. Understanding how your teen is developing will provide the background needed to help you rationalize and control your responses to their actions and behaviours.
Set boundaries
While there are varying parenting styles, a positive parenting style that is embedded in a values mindset, which then leads to boundaries that are fair and just to all, is the most effective parenting style to nurture happy and stable adults for the future. Healthy boundaries, born from authentic values, help children and teens know what is truly right from wrong, know that they are being brought up in an environment that is there to nurture them in a fair way and therefore help them feel safe. Setting limits that are born solely from our worries or fears as parents rather than our positive desires for our teens to succeed can be confusing to our teens and lead to misunderstandings down the road. Ask yourself why you are truly setting these boundaries before you do so and make sure they match up with the world in which your teen is living and not just based on your worries of another era. When you set limits, ask for your teen’s input. Teens, just as we as adults, who feel ignored, shamed, or overlooked are more likely to be uncooperative, rebel or even find harmful or unhealthy ways in which to self-sabotage or sabotage the lives of those around them.
Remember also that all teens will push limits, it’s an integral part of growing and discovering themselves. The fact that they are pushing these limits within their own home is not a sign of disrespect. It actually means that you are doing your job right, you are providing them with a safe space within which to do this. In the teenage years, boundaries are there to be broken, to be discussed, to be reassessed and so for the trust to grow. Boundaries also need to evolve as your teenager evolves and earns more trust. For example, the curfew for your 13 year old and the rules around them staying out will undoubtedly be different to the curfew for your 17 year old and the boundaries for them staying out. Make sure you as a parent are evolving with your teenager and not against them. Talk to them, discuss and make sure there are open lines of positive and calm communication. They may get angry or frustrated. It is our job to stay calm, as hard as that may be.
Be a positive role model
As a parent, you should be an example of what you expect from your teens. Teens won’t trust parents who say one thing and do another. Regardless of the type of parent you are, your children will always look up to you. This is why modelling the appropriate behaviour, emotional responses, and healthy coping mechanisms we want our teens to have for themselves is of paramount importance. It’s also important to model responsible use of social media. It’s no good limiting our teen’s screen times if they then see us on our screens 24/7. If we want our teens to develop genuine connections online, avoid dangerous situations online and build habits of turning off their devices to spend some time in the real world, we need to be doing the same. It should never be a case of do as I say, not as I do.
Open communication
As with all relationships, positive and open lines of communication is key! Your teen needs to trust that you will hear them and understand them when they communicate with you. They not only want to feel loved, they want to feel supported enough to be able to explore all these newfound feelings, worries and insecurities that they are living through, as they learn to see the world through a new and different lens. And remember that our teens also have a lot to teach us about the world of now. Be open to learning new points of view and new realities that maybe didn’t exist during our time as a teen. Help them share their interests and passions with you by being ready to listen to them with an open mind. Communicating with your teen will validate their feelings and make them more likely to approach you when they need to talk. And if the discussion gets heated or they get angry, allow them the time to walk away and walk back when they have calmed down. Teach them techniques such as counting to ten before they reply if they are angry so that they learn to take a step back, think about what they are going to say and respond rather than react.
Get to know your teen
It can be challenging for parents to accept that their teen is changing. They will no longer show interest in what they may have once enjoyed as a child. This is a normal part of growing up. If you want to understand your teen better, take the time to get to know them. Talk with them, and spend time with them. This will help you know what their current interests are. Teenagers need to be seen. This is especially important in a world with so much technology, which can distract us from really establishing and maintaining relationships. It’s easy to float through life without really knowing each other. What are your teens’ hopes, dreams, true talents, capabilities, and fears? Don’t simply look at your teen, but really see them and make sure they know you see them.
Maintaining a healthy relationship with your teen during their adolescent years will help you bridge the gap into adulthood. Sticking to the above tips will set you on the path to better understanding your teen during this exciting time in their lives.
Teens often don’t want to burden their parents with their worries and fears, If this is the case, at One Life Coaching we are here to be an objective voice and guide for your teenager to let go of any limiting beliefs and negative emotions that they may have picked up in their childhood, We are also here to help them set goals and aspirations for the future and to develop their confidence to believe that they can achieve anything they set their mind too.
And as a parent, if you are struggling, we are here to look at those struggles and help you set your goals and aspirations for becoming the strong and fair parent that you want to be for your teen.
If you need that extra helping hand from a professional, we are here to help.