The Lonely Healer: Why Therapists Struggle with Friendship and How to Change That

• May 10, 2025
• Blog

If you’re a therapist, life coach, or relationship expert, you may have found it surprisingly difficult to make and maintain friendships in adulthood. The irony isn’t lost on you: you’re highly skilled at helping others navigate emotional connection, vulnerability, and boundaries, but somehow, your friendships feel elusive or draining. You’re not alone.

In school or university, friendships are formed organically, through proximity, shared experiences, or simply going to the same parties. But as an adult, and especially as your sense of self deepens through your work, finding like-minded connections becomes more complex.

Many of us in this profession fear that others won’t “get” us. Our daily conversations go deep, and we grapple with trauma, truth, and vulnerability while many people stay on the surface. It can be hard to switch back to small talk. Worse, we may attract people who expect us to play therapist in our personal lives, rather than just be friends.

Then there’s the practical side: packed schedules, late-night notes, endless supervision, client calls, admin, and self-care (if we’re lucky). When the weekend rolls around, we’re too drained to be social. And since our income is often tied to time, taking time off can feel like a luxury we can’t afford.

But here’s the truth: these are only surface-level barriers. Beneath all this, we know – because we tell our clients – that connection and community are vital for happiness and resilience. The longest-running study on happiness from Harvard confirms this: strong relationships matter more than wealth or success.

Friendship helps us thrive. It gives us a safety net to take risks, grow, and bounce back. If your family doesn’t already serve as that emotional anchor, it’s time to build your community.

But how?

Start by getting clear on your values. Not your job title or your hobbies, but the deeper principles that guide your life. Many people know only a handful of their values and assume that the rest are “common sense.” In my work, I give clients a list of 400 values and ask them to pick their top 20. The results are always different and beautifully so.

When you understand your own values, you’ll begin to notice them in others. Your friendships will form not just around age, culture, or shared interests, but around the same fundamental beliefs and ways of being.

You won’t be giving people a values quiz over dinner, but you’ll naturally be drawn to people who resonate with your core, and you’ll stop wasting time trying to connect with those who simply aren’t your tribe.

I’ve made new friends in every decade of my adult life. Some stayed for a season, some for a reason, and quite a few for life. Today, my circle includes people from their 30s to their 50s, single, married, parents, child-free and across all cultures and careers. What bonds us isn’t what we do, but who we are.

The biggest shift came when I stopped blurring the lines between my personal and professional self. I set firm work hours. I got two phones, one for clients, one for me. I learned how to be fully present with my clients and fully present with my friends and family. And most importantly, I embraced the joy of saying, “Not today,” when I needed rest.

Friendship as a coach or therapist doesn’t have to be complicated. It just has to be intentional. You already know how to hold space for others. Now, make sure you’re holding some for yourself, too.