When you get married you take a vow to share everything in life – from major decisions that impact finances and child-rearing to minor decisions that impact your day-to-day life as a couple. You vow to constantly put your spouse’s best interest at the same priority as yours – after all that is the definition of trust, putting your loved ones’ best interest at the same level as yours. You vow to make the choice to commit to your spouse and to the relationship each and every day.
However, when you get divorced you not only need to adjust to the loss of this partnership. both grieving what has passed as well as grieving the future plans you had constructed together for real or in your imaginations, you need to adjust to making life decisions solo as a new you – older and hopefully wiser. Where you once had a partner, you are now navigating career, finances, family, and eventually dating all on your own. Understandably this can feel completely overwhelming.
Luckily you do not have to face this challenging time alone. The professionals at One Life Coaching can help you develop a growth mindset as well as coach you through the steps needed to regain a balanced life – for you and, where applicable, for your children too.
We’ve put together this helpful list of tips to help you start to regain your balance as you embark on this next chapter of your life.
Accept the reality of your situation
As you move forward with life after divorce, there will be many things that you will enjoy regaining control of in a way that suits your values and beliefs, as well as difficult situations that you have to learn to let go of control over. Learn to put your energies into what you can control and let go of what you can’t. For example, you are likely to be a single income household now – this you can control by budgeting in the short term and in the long term, when you are ready, looking for a different job if necessary, retraining, or even changing directions in your career. If you have children, you will now most likely have a co-parenting agreement or one parent will have custody whilst the other has visitation. When you share your children, there will more than likely be two sets of parenting values and boundaries in each household. This you can’t control. At first this may seem extremely difficult as one set of values in one household may contradict the other set of values in the other household. Rest assured that children are extremely resilient and adaptable when it comes to this. Remember when you were young and moved from classroom to classroom at school and adapted to each teacher’s classroom rules? Children of divorced parents quickly learn the rules in their different households too. Focus your energy on what you can control – on establishing healthy values and boundaries in your household when your children are with you.
Find Activities That Feed Your Soul and Bring You Happiness
When you get married you choose to commit to your partner each and every day. That often means dedicating a great deal of time and energy, not to mention emotional support, to your spouse. You engage in joint activities as well as supporting them in their own pursuits and them in yours. You may even do things you don’t like in order to support them in their passions and vice-versa. Now that you are single, use this time to re-evaluate your own goals and desires. Work on finding the pursuits that make you truly happy and feed your soul. Carve out some positive time for yourself. Whether it’s finding your way back to forgotten hobbies or embarking on something new, it will help you not only understand yourself better in this new role but you may even make some new friends along the way.
Set Financial Goals
Aside from the emotional confrontations that divorce can bring, it can also be a huge financial challenge. More often than not you are going from a two-income to a single-income household. Depending on your previous living arrangements this may even be the first time that you are discovering how to pay bills, budget and handle the finances on your own. From paying rent, and servicing the car, to affording the day-to-day amenities of life, this transition can feel overwhelming. However, once you have mastered it, it can also be a life-empowering move.
Start by detailing your monthly expenses for your household, your children if there are any, and for yourself. Make sure you are not just looking at the basics such as food and bills but also account for your personal grooming, your leisure and those small pleasures such as that quick takeaway coffee you are used to once a day. The more you track your spending in detail the more you will feel in control. There are many apps that help you take into account what you spend as you spend it so that it doesn’t become a chore. Also take into account such things as debt repayments, retirement contributions, saving plans and maintenance payments if you have any. Depending on your specific circumstances, you may have to make spending cuts, to begin with, but don’t fall into the negative trap of thinking this will be forever. Spending cuts are there, to begin with as a critical component to reaching your goals.
The important thing is to remember that it will get better with planning and with time. Establishing financial goals as well as aspirational goals in life will keep you focused as you work towards achieving your best life.
Learn to say Yes and learn to say No!
During your marriage, you may not only have shared the pleasures but you may have also shared the chores. If the chores were always solely your responsibility you will find yourself with less work and more time on your hands as you now only have yourself, or yourself and your children to cater for. If however, you did share the chores, you may find yourself with less free time. Either way, you may find the absence of emotional support hard to deal with, the absence of that certain someone who you could share your day with, share your successes as well as your challenges with and share your worries. You will need to find this emotional support in your community, amongst your friends or from your family. This is the time to reach out for help, be it a couple of hours that a friend watches your children whilst you get some “me” time to a family member cooking some meals to put in your freezer to your bestie coming round to listen to you vent with no judgment. Say yes to all the help. People help because they care about you as well as deriving their own pleasure in doing so. Allow them. Dedicate your free time to the things you love, the people you love and the activities that enrich your life. Whilst re-balancing your new life, this is not the time to over-commit yourself to others. Look at what is important to you right now and learn to say no to what is not. You can go back to being the person people lean on once you’ve found your own new balance and strength, which you will. After all, you can’t give the best of yourself to your loved ones and the people you care for until you have made yourself into the best version of yourself first.
One Life Coaching for Divorce
At One Life Coaching, we recognize how emotionally challenging the divorce process and life after divorce can be – especially in the case of expats, living abroad, without their trusted support network. Whether you need help navigating the challenges of your marital split or regaining your self-confidence and independence after your divorce, the professionals at One Life Coaching can help.
With over a decade’s experience helping people navigate their divorce, we take great pride in having provided hundreds of clients in the UAE and internationally the tools to navigate their divorce and regain their self-esteem so that they embark on this new chapter of life fully equipped for success. When you are ready, please contact a member of our team. We are here for you.